On Tuesday, I finished my body building work out and I felt like a million dollars. I was in awe of myself and my progress. I marveled at the new muscles that I feel forming all over my body. I was amazed by my grace and balance as I executed lunges and squats. And I was ready to take out an ad in the paper to let everyone in town know that I am performing dead lifts in perfect form.
And yet, this morning, as I looked in the mirror, sans clothing, I felt really terrible about myself. My perception was that my body hasn't changed much at all and looked just as fat as the day I started.
I even took a hand mirror so I could look at the rolls of fat on my back -- which I really detest. And I held my arms out to check out the remaining flab in the triceps area -- some people call that fatty area "bat wings."
So, yeah, I started my day looking at my fat back and bat wings ----- sounds like a daily special from off the menu of the Halloween Hotel. And it's such a horror, it might as well be.
Halloween............. I may actually dress up this year to hand out candy to the kids. Something I've been way too fat to do for the past few years. I LOVE Halloween and always have-- it saddens me that it is not celebrated as much now as when I was a kid.
Anyway, below is a pic of me in Halloween garb that I thought I'd share.
I weighed about 235-240 here. That witch costume is an off-the-rack, one-size-fits-all from the Party Store down the road. On a shorter gal, this would be an ankle length costume and the sleeves would come down more.
Note that at this weight, there's no double chin, my arms and legs don't look like over-stuffed sausages, and I actually have a waist.
Imagine how thin I was back when I weighed 180 pounds, a good 50-60 pounds less than I do here? I can't even imagine it now.
Back when this pic was taken, I was running 6 days a week but not working out at the gym too much. I have been sitting here looking at this pic and giving myself a pep talk. If I work hard and eat right, I could weigh what I did in this pic by the end of the year.
But I may look different when I get to that body weight, as I am lifting heavy when I work out. When I go to the gym or do my ChaLEAN work outs, I am not F-ing around.
After looking at the fat back and bat wings this morning, "fat me" spoke with a loud and convincing voice to skip my morning walk since I have so much work to do. "You're going to the gym later, it's ok to skip the walk. One exercise session a day is enough." Blah, blah, blah...............
That's another thing that makes no sense -- you feel like shit 'cause you're fat, and the immediate response is to want to eat inappropriately or skip exercise. HELLO! It makes no sense--- and after years of giving in to that illogical voice, it can take all of your will and energy to say "no" and do the positive things.
So I made myself take the walk. I grabbed myself by the ear and pulled myself, kicking and screaming, out the front door. Even then, the voice of "fat head" would not shut up and kept suggesting that I could take the shorter route or just turn around and go home. Blah, blah, Blah. yadda, yadda, yadda! Does it ever fuck off and die? GEESH!
So, Tuesday I felt wonderful and today I feel like the fat lady from the circus. Tuesday, wild horses couldn't have stopped me from exercising and yet today, I had to force myself to take a 1.5 mile walk. Today is just not a day that I'm going to feel good about my body. It's simply not gonna happen. But I am proud that in spite of that, I was able to force myself to do what needs to be done.
I'm going to push myself through the rest of my day and will no doubt wake up tomorrow feeling totally different. Whether you're gliding through your day or having to push yourself through it, as I am; I hope that you are able to do things that are good for you and that get you closer to your goals.
Be good to you today!
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