Progress Pics

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Fat Back and Bat Wings

Ya know, our bodies aren't actually going to change much from say, a Monday to a Thursday of the same week. Intellectually, we know this. Yet, our perception of ourselves can change in a big way within that time period--- or even from one minute to the next at times.

On Tuesday, I finished my body building work out and I felt like a million dollars. I was in awe of myself and my progress. I marveled at the new muscles that I feel forming all over my body. I was amazed by my grace and balance as I executed lunges and squats. And I was ready to take out an ad in the paper to let everyone in town know that I am performing dead lifts in perfect form.

And yet, this morning, as I looked in the mirror, sans clothing, I felt really terrible about myself. My perception was that my body hasn't changed much at all and looked just as fat as the day I started.

I even took a hand mirror so I could look at the rolls of fat on my back -- which I really detest. And I held my arms out to check out the remaining flab in the triceps area -- some people call that fatty area "bat wings."

So, yeah, I started my day looking at my fat back and bat wings ----- sounds like a daily special from off the menu of the Halloween Hotel. And it's such a horror, it might as well be.

Halloween............. I may actually dress up this year to hand out candy to the kids. Something I've been way too fat to do for the past few years. I LOVE Halloween and always have-- it saddens me that it is not celebrated as much now as when I was a kid.

Anyway, below is a pic of me in Halloween garb that I thought I'd share.

I weighed about 235-240 here. That witch costume is an off-the-rack, one-size-fits-all from the Party Store down the road. On a shorter gal, this would be an ankle length costume and the sleeves would come down more.

Note that at this weight, there's no double chin, my arms and legs don't look like over-stuffed sausages, and I actually have a waist.

Imagine how thin I was back when I weighed 180 pounds, a good 50-60 pounds less than I do here? I can't even imagine it now.

Back when this pic was taken, I was running 6 days a week but not working out at the gym too much. I have been sitting here looking at this pic and giving myself a pep talk. If I work hard and eat right, I could weigh what I did in this pic by the end of the year.

But I may look different when I get to that body weight, as I am lifting heavy when I work out. When I go to the gym or do my ChaLEAN work outs, I am not F-ing around.

After looking at the fat back and bat wings this morning, "fat me" spoke with a loud and convincing voice to skip my morning walk since I have so much work to do. "You're going to the gym later, it's ok to skip the walk. One exercise session a day is enough." Blah, blah, blah...............

That's another thing that makes no sense -- you feel like shit 'cause you're fat, and the immediate response is to want to eat inappropriately or skip exercise. HELLO! It makes no sense--- and after years of giving in to that illogical voice, it can take all of your will and energy to say "no" and do the positive things.

So I made myself take the walk. I grabbed myself by the ear and pulled myself, kicking and screaming, out the front door. Even then, the voice of "fat head" would not shut up and kept suggesting that I could take the shorter route or just turn around and go home. Blah, blah, Blah. yadda, yadda, yadda! Does it ever fuck off and die? GEESH!

So, Tuesday I felt wonderful and today I feel like the fat lady from the circus. Tuesday, wild horses couldn't have stopped me from exercising and yet today, I had to force myself to take a 1.5 mile walk. Today is just not a day that I'm going to feel good about my body. It's simply not gonna happen. But I am proud that in spite of that, I was able to force myself to do what needs to be done.

I'm going to push myself through the rest of my day and will no doubt wake up tomorrow feeling totally different. Whether you're gliding through your day or having to push yourself through it, as I am; I hope that you are able to do things that are good for you and that get you closer to your goals.

Be good to you today!


  1. OhmyGod, This is an awesome post. You described perfectly the schizophrenic mindf*#k of a compulsive overeater/dieter/food addict. Yesterday was my day to drag self kicking and screaming to the gym, and then chain myself to the treadmill to do just the miniumum of time I'm supposed to do. Usually after 10 minutes, even on a day like that, I get into it and can go for an hour. I also get the feelin' great one day, hating my guts the next. My AA sponsor says, "yeah, yeah - you don't have to believe everything your mind tells you..."

    You look almost string bean-esque in that picture! Makes me think of chucking the weight loss in favor of going on a rack and getting stretched a few inches taller. It all sounds like you're right on schedule in your journey, because you are aware and feeling all of it.

    I love your writing!

  2. You'll just have to keep telling 'Fat Self' to "F*ck off"! Over time, Slim, Fit & Strong Self will have a much louder voice and drown Fat Self out almost completely. Of course, Fat Self will always be there, lurking in the background, but as long as you're aware of her, you should be able to keep her pretty quiet!

    Well done on taking the walk when you really couldn't be bothered. :o) I had a day like that yesterday, and instead of succumbing to it, I actually worked out longer and harder!

    Patsy :o)

  3. Hi. I think you really should be proud of yourself for pushing through the negativity and doing what needed to be done.

    Strange isn't it that our natural response to feeling fat ... is to get fatter! Great that you were able to turn it around.

    You look great in the photo BTW!

    Best wishes,
    Bearfriend xx

  4. I love this post! I have thought about this a lot recently. I wonder if there will ever be a time in my life where my "fat self" voice is replaced or taken over by my "fit self" voice. When I weigh 165lbs will I still hate my body? Good Job on doing what needs to be done anyway!

  5. I can totally relate to the voices in your head telling you to relax and splurge because you deserve a treat. I'm really working on that too and it's a struggle. I want my "fit self" (like that expression, Scarlet Simple) to remind me that I deserve to look good and be healthy.

  6. I always love your posts as they are truly what everyone else thinks at one time or another, you just have such a wonderful way of writing it all out! Congrats to you for kicking your ass out the door and getting what needed to be done, done! Tomorrow is another day....

  7. The initial instinct is to grudge through those days where it is hard.. days where we feel fat.. days where we don't want to do it..

    But it is in those very days that we EARN who we will become. It is when the last thing you want to do is the right thing, that you earn your stripes.

    Your bat wings and fat back will diminish and fade, but the victory you achieved today never will.

  8. A friend and I were talking about this very thing last night, how very bizarre it is that there are parts of your brain over which you have no control and that are quite often horribly mean to you. Good for you for telling it to f*ck off!

  9. Go read my blog today - it's about changing that "fat" voice, shutting it up. And yes, sometimes you just have to make yourself. Happens to all of us. Good on ya for doing it.

  10. You're a great looking witch.

    Self loathing seems to be an equal opportunity emotion. You can find plenty of blog entries by twentysomethings with BMIs of 20 who suffer agonies of self-hatred because their BMI isn't 18. I get ya, I get this too (though I usually reserve it for other personal flaws). But it's not really meaningful or useful. Self-hatred doesn't inspire me to do better. Optimism and self-love do.

  11. Great post!

    I can totally relate to the craziness - I KNOW I feel better when I workout. I KNOW that it will help speed me on my weight loss journey. I KNOW its good for my health. But its still soooo easy to give in to those inner self-sabataging voices.
    GOOD FOR YOU for not listening and giving yourself a kick in butt and doin' what needed to be done! You're awesome and an inspiration!

  12. You have great insight on the mirror in the morning. So true!

    Great post.

  13. You are awesome...and have lost 100 pounds..which makes you awesome and amazing! Be kind to yourself. You are an inspiration. :)


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