Progress Pics

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

This is HARD!

This won't be a news flash for anyone else who is or has been extremely overweight, but losing weight, becoming fit, and all of the emotional/psychological stuff that comes with the territory is soooooooo dang hard to deal with.

I got married young and had my first kid at age 17. By age 20, I had TRIPLETS who were premature and had all sorts of health probs. When they were three-years old, my husband died suddenly and violently.

Lemme tell ya kids, that was all hard. I really struggled to raise those kids and I am not just talking financially. It was hell. And yet -- the whole issue of my weight is WORSE.

If I think back to all of the hardships of my life, the ups and downs, the challenges and stresses... nothing else has caused as much sadness and heartache as my weight. It has been at the root of almost every humiliating or embarrassing moment of my life. It is a contributing, if not defining cause of all of my health issues, past and present. It has caused insecurities and problems with relationships, sex and intimacy. It has influenced my travel plans and employment opportunities. There is little that I have done or not done where weight and/or body size or the resulting psychology were not at play-- and I don't know about you, but I am so weary of this.

You are probably sitting there nodding your head saying, "I hear ya sister." Let's think about this, not only does the fat take up too much room on the outside, but it takes up too much space inside too. And is there ANYTHING else that we have spent as much thought, time or money on?

After watching the season premier of the BIGGEST LOSER last night, I sat there thinking about all of this. IT HAS TO END. I must move on, must get past this...........

Another thought that I had is............although I have endured poverty, survived the death of loved ones, and disappointments without number............ the reason I could deal with those easier than the weight is because these other things are common to the human experience.

Yes, death, relocation, divorce, money issues --- these affect nearly EVERYONE to one degree or another at some point in their lives. These experiences bring people together as EVERYONE experiences them at some point and can therefore empathize when others go through it.

But being extremely obese is not a part of the human experience for everyone. It is not a misery that everyone else will understand. It can make morbidly obese people feel that they are not a part of the human family--- since the issue that takes up the most room in their lives (inside and out) is not understood by others.

Aren't you sick of this crap? I know that I am. I am not giving up this time. It MUST end. I do not want to end up as some little old lady (well, er um, I am 6'3" so I'll be a tall old lady) who sits around in a state of regret, sadness and bitterness over everything that I did not do because of my body size. I refuse to give up and I hope that you feel the same!

On a positive note -- I totally flattened myself yesterday, exercise-wise! I started my day with a walk around the neighborhood that was just over 1 & 1/2-miles. Since my neighborhood is hilly, that was quite a workout.

Then in the afternoon I did my ChaLEAN extreme workout and put my all into it. When my DH came home from work, he wanted to go to the gym to do a quick circuit before dinner, so, of course, I went along and put in yet another 30-minutes of hard work there. THEN, I took a walk around the building (outside)-- which is only 1/3 of a mile but I really worked it and made it the grand finale of my very busy fitness day.

I woke up today SORE as hell-- we're talking call 911 and ask them to put out the fire in my delts and triceps -- YIKES. But it is all going to be worth it.

It is a new day with new challenges and new opportunities for success. Are you ready?


  1. I love your post - it really is open and honest. I too watched BL last night and I've never cried so much watching a TV show before. I do not know morbidly obese but "I Do Hear Ya Sister".

    Way to go on all the workouts yesterday! Even though you are sore today, I bet it is a kind of feel good sore. Where you know you are building that much needed fat burning muscle.

    I'm ready with ya!

  2. Oh God am I ever sick of the weight. There are times when I look in the mirror and literally say, "God will you just GO AWAY!" It has been an incredible pain in the ass for as long as I can remember. It's a barrier to intimacy, a consistent source of sorrow, and only multiplies my problems with finding clothes that properly fit me. The only thing that works is ignoring it. Because I don't know about you, but my fat talks to me. It tells me to stop at the McDonalds EVERYDAY coming home from school, and I pass three of them! It tells me that it's, "OK to skip today's workout." It tells me I'm not good enough, not strong enough, not attractive enough, not lovable, and a flood of other mental gymnastics that is all 100% total bullshit. The only way to silence the inner mental games is to act outer. In other words, WORK OUT! Not only working out will do the trick, it has to be intense. You have to feel like your dying or about to puke. Then, and only then, can my mind be at peace. Love you Ma stay strong.

  3. I just found your blog through Michelle (Secrets of a Former Fat Girl) - great post for me to start on!! LOL I also know what you speak of - I think we all have been there, we've all experienced that feeling, and yet...somehow we still feel all alone. So it's great to NOT feel alone, at least for a little while, when we find someone going through a similar struggle.

    Great job on the workouts yesterday - you certainly "put your time in!"

  4. Hi, I'm new here, what a powerful post to come in on. But you do hit it on the head, the weight gets in the way, it makes everything harder, keeps us from fitting in...So wise.

    Great job with the workout.

  5. yhanks for being so honest! Keep it up!


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